Dating reality shows are nothing new. Most serve as cautionary tales of what not to do or as pure spectacle — How else do you explain the 26-season (and counting!) run of The Bachelor? — occasionally, one succeeds in being more than just junk food for the soul. Enter Netflix’s Love on the Spectrum.

The show, now in its second season, follows the dating lives of several young adults, all of whom have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Navigating love and romance (to say nothing of online dating) in this modern world isn’t easy for anyone. But people on the spectrum tend to approach intimacy a bit differently, says Alexis Aguilar, BCBA, a certified behavior analyst with Elemy.  Having an opportunity to showcase those differences has several benefits, not only to people living with ASD and their families but to society at large. 

Romantic love, after all, is a big component of the American dream. It’s something most people see as essential to a happy life. And it’s something neurotypical people take for granted as part of their and their children’s destinies. But for anyone touched by ASD, it can be more of an open-ended question or even a source of anxiety. 

My son was diagnosed at an age when cooties are still a primary concern. But amid my many worries, one of the most heart-wrenching thoughts that crossed my mind was, What if he never finds anyone who loves him as much as I do?

As he’s grown, that thought has all but dissipated. This is thanks to my son’s blue eyes, blond curls, and effortless ability to charm pretty much anyone he meets. But new concerns have taken place: When do I explain puberty and what will happen to him during it? What about sex? How will I explain consent, and will he understand it? 

What Love on the Spectrum Gets Right

When it comes to love, dating, and relationships, Aguilar says, “I really wish there were more resources for teens and adults on the spectrum.” Love on the Spectrum, at least, provides one. Here are some of the things the show gets right in its brief two-season run.

  1. It uses real people. I’m not naive; I know reality shows are often anything but candid. But just by showing actual people with ASD, instead of neurotypical actors playing that role, the show depicts how a range of behaviors can present and how it’s different for each person. “I’m sure it is edited, but it does show the spectrum aspect of it very well,” Aguilar says.  That fact is important for families and society at large to understand. While there may not be a culture surrounding ASD, it is still vital for kids like my son to know that they aren’t alone. Seeing themselves represented in some way in pop culture is helpful. 
  2. It’s educational. ASD can be an “invisible disability,” and the show tackles that head-on, with one documentarian asking a subject, “Do people ever say, ‘You don’t look autistic?’” She responds, “Quite often. But I tell them, ‘You can’t see my brain.’” Stereotypes and myths about autism abound—that people on the spectrum are antisocial, hate physical contact, or prefer to be alone. This show breaks down many of those preconceived notions. It also shows how so many of the issues involved with ASD are what Aguilar calls “work-through-able.” And that’s regardless of whether you have two people on the spectrum dating each other or one dating someone neurotypical. 
  3. It’s inclusive. Chloe, an autistic woman who is also deaf, dates men and women throughout the series without much fanfare about that fact. Her date with another woman, Lotus, is a fan favorite. “There is research that people on the autism spectrum have a higher incidence of being on the LGBTQ+ spectrum as well,” says Aguilar. So normalizing this behavior on the show makes sense.
  4. It’s cautionary. Lots of dating shows perpetuate a fairy tale where the guy gets the girl at the end but nothing beyond that. Love on the Spectrum shows various aspects of relationships, including breakups. And that can be an important aspect to cover, says Aguilar. “When social situations don’t work out, a lot of times a child or preteen with ASD won’t handle it well. They can blow up or shove their emotions down until, when it finally manifests, it sends their whole life tumbling down.” Love is wonderful when it works out, but it doesn’t always. You and your child need to prepare for that.
  5. It teaches our kids to love themselves. Love isn’t always reciprocated, and dealing with rejection is part of the game for us all. But there are several instances in the show where subjects give up on a love interest or refuse to mask for a neurotypical paramour. The clear lesson is,  “Don’t just take love because it’s there. Advocate for yourself,” says Aguilar. If someone can’t accept you as you are, the relationship will never work — a lesson that’s certainly not exclusive to people with ASD. 

Ultimately, says Aguilar, “I think the biggest takeaway in the show was every relationship is different.” And each one comes with lessons of its own. This is useful, she says, because “if you have a child on the spectrum, one day you’ll need to address these issues.” 

What Love on the Spectrum Could Do Better

One area Aguilar points out the show is lacking is in regards to safety in the age of Internet dating. Being careful about oversharing and giving out personal information is crucial to anyone venturing into online dating. It can be especially difficult if you struggle to read social cues correctly. Some companies, such as Hiki, have rolled out dating apps specifically for people with ASD, which may make things a little safer, but it’s always best to exercise caution, whatever platform you use.  
But for the most part, the show is great because it’s aspirational. By portraying the ups and downs of dating and relationships, Love on the Spectrum shows that, whatever our abilities, we all struggle through similar experiences when searching for love. But at the end of the day, there’s always hope of finding love that lasts.